7 Things Your Dog Can Teach You About Social Media
Churning through social media headlines isn’t just a headache. It’s vile, leaving you with a massive Internet hangover. Eyes glazed at screen in a semi-comatose state. And you wonder: how is it possible to be so overwhelmed by such an underwhelming pool of self-help tips? Seven deadly sins of social media. The Ten Commandments of Social Media—and its new Moses (probably the kiss-ass who half-assed that article you just read.)
The web is, sadly, laden with some truly useless, trite-ass bullshit tips on social media. Tweet all the time and keep your disciples engaged. But not too often, lest your Tweetmates turn apostate. Don’t want them goin’ all apeshit on you. They could do something really effed up then. Like unfriend you.
As one of my Tweeps (we’ll call him Stan) helpfully threatens in his bio, “I have an unfollow button too, mother-effers. You use it on me, I will find you and unfollow you back.”
Really, your social media goal is this: don’t piss off Stan. You want a whole shit-ton of Stans to follow or ‘like’ your ass on Facebook and Twitter. And not can it, with an unfollow or ‘unlike.’
Simple. To be good at social media, be more like your dog. Here are Fido’s top seven tricks to be goddamn (if not doggone good) at social media.
1. Enthusiasm
Be excited about what others have to share! Share wondrous childlike joy! Be responsive to their comments! Make sure your response has an upbeat, positive response bursting with over-the-top, lively, ADHD energy. Yet also sincere and credible in tone. Try channeling the right aura or mix of Mother Teresa, John McEnroe and MJ.
2. Loyalty
Just like your dog is loyal to you, be loyal to your fans! Thank them for following you! Tag them in pictures! Do try to spell and their names correctly and remember how the hell you know them. A cheap, mass-mailed “thank you” card in lovely, fake-ass gold leaf foil (with red ink in lieu of postage stamps) lends a warm and thoughtful touch to many a ketchup-stained refrigerator. It’s sure to be a delightful standout amongst the broad array of fingerprints and magnetic kitsch.
3. Don’t Overindulge
Dogs, like most of us, tend to overdo it. Your dog doesn’t go for the alluring box of biscuits or chicken breast to daintily eat just a bite or two. No, she gulps it all own within split seconds. You want the pleasure of social media to last. It’s something to be savored long-term, not devoured within days, weeks, or months. Pace your self. Post headlines and send email blasts judiciously. If every communication is a call to action, you’ll soon be completely ignored.
4. Mind Your Manners
Just as your dog benefited from obedience school as a rambunctious young pup, so too can you benefit from learning to mind your social media manners. Make sure to not “jump up” or overwhelm on initial Internet greetings (i.e. right when a friend request is accepted.) Social media crotch-sniffings are not appropriate until a sufficient passage of time has passed (i.e. two weeks) and a genuine rapport has been struck.
5. Take Breaks When You Need It
At dog parks on in the backyard, your dog will halt from barking and play, as needed, to rest. This preserves his energy, well-being, and healthful canine glow. Similarly, it’s unwise to go full-force at Facebooking and Tweeting without pauses for rest and restoration. Like your dog, you too can (and should!) indulge of moments of repose to take a nap. Lap water. Or lick your balls. As local laws and ordinances permit.
6. Don’t Eat Where You Shit
When housebreaking my dog, the trainer told me to scatter the food in places where he liked to “go,” thus discouraging indoor accidents. Your dog knows it, and so should you: don’t eat where you shit. Parlayed into social media talk, don’t drag unsavory personal life details to your organization’s social media account. Remember that family, (potential) employers and business associates, and a stone-throwing public can see your organization’s profile. Especially since you’re trying to broaden its visibility. Promote the best of yourself where you “eat” online. Embellish, re-imagine, or outright lie if you need to. Anything’s better than a pile of shit at the e-dinner table.
7. Lipstick is Not a Good Idea
If you’ve ever seen a neutered dog with a hard-on, it may be an embarrassing site. A healthy, rose-tinted shade greets the viewer, shaped in the form of lipstick. Similarly with social media, overt sexuality is a no-no. In profile pics, bright, skank, or whorish lipstick shades of red, pink, or orange should be avoided. Also, nothing says loser like unnatural shades such as black, green, or purple.
Doing social media the canine way is enjoyable, energetic, and engaging. It will bring you at least a decade or so of endearing, warm success. Just remember, when you have a query in head, whilst staring blankly at the screen, ask yourself What’d Fido Think? WTF?
And do it.
And if you don’t have a dog, adopt one. Any dog is good. A rescue dog is better. That adds a few points to your Klout score. If she’s blind, crippled, or deaf, you’ve hit the jackpot. And ones deemed feral, vicious, or lethal are even most helpful yet. In raising and taming your dog, there’ll always be victories and struggles. But the canine force will always embrace you. Master it, and in the coming years you’ll learn all you need to know about succeeding in social media.
